ME AS WELL.
BUT, BUT….It’s not a bad thing.
I was watching a short film entitled DUMPED from Issa Rae Presents. A drag queen taught viewers a very important message, it was: “Look at that word, Duchess, Break - UP… cause see, this is the BREAK THAT YOU NEEDED, TO TAKE YOU UP; Take you higher…” Although I haven’t been dumped, I still know a break up.
A WELL NEEDED, WELL DESERVED, BREAK UP.
I don’t know why media and society dictates our love lives but it does. I can safely say you’re by no means required to be in a solid relationship, there’s no time frame. I can tell you my past stories of what should have been emotionally intimate connections but failed as soon as the true colours were shown; I will, but not right off the bat. I think it’s important to note that being a SINGLE INDIVIDUAL resonates well, especially if you’re post break up.
If our break ups could only be as well mastered, mature and beautiful like Liza and David’s the world might be a healthier place but in reality you’ll always have a young lady in the parking lot scratching up her ex’s car, blowing up the DMs with negativity - young men who still don’t know how to let go, anger, continuously stalking his/her/their every move and toying around to see if they still want him around.
CHANCES ARE, those things I previously mentioned, will probably get you in trouble with LAW ENFORCEMENT and that’s not going to make them want you back but I digress.
Don’t stalk your EX, it’s not very becoming of you, have self respect and dignity.
Let me say this and say this ONLY once, IF IT DOESN’T WORK, DON’T FORCE IT.
Who wins in the end? You? Definitely not.
Don’t think a REBOUND WILL HEAL YOU; Anyone can make a shot.
Being single does not mean you aren’t looking or you’re not apart of the radar for the dating scene. You have every right to choose who and what makes you happy and if that person changed for the worse and you were courageous to do something about it, like remove yourself and care for your mental health, good on you; a heartbreak is nothing to play with and you never want to step into someone’s love puddle without your affection boots.
5 Perks of Being Single
YOU WANT TO BE HERE AND EXPERIENCE THE MOMENT
Did you forget that you have a life to live? Go back and learn how to do that if you’re not already. There is so much world out there to see, put some headphones on and get out there, look your best. No one is going to think less of your because you choose to stand alone; that is very Courageous. You’re not a victim of singleness, you’re a warrior of integrity and you’re able to move ahead without leaving others behind (like your friends and family.)
LMC: LIFE MAINTENANCE CONTROL
I make this very eminent in all of my articles; ARE YOU WATCHING WHAT AND WHO’S GOING INTO AND COMING OUT OF YOUR LIFE? No? You need to because not all entities are good ones. Some people carry bad motives with them, you shouldn’t let these encounters affect the conveyor belt that is moving your life along. Your brain is a factory that need not be shut down, due to lack of employees showing up. Manage yourself accordingly and don’t allow others to dictate your operatives, luv.
L' Oreál “Because You’re Worth It”
Someone like you, is worth the wait. Do you understand that not everyone is equipped to be compatible at the same time or even at all? In your own right, you acknowledge your self-value and know that you’re serious about what you want considering your past or the past you’ve experienced with someone else.
It’s Better to be Single than to Mingle with Bad Romance Fear of being alone or really you want someone to show off to the world ? Don’t do it, shister. Don’t put yourself through a demise for your aesthetic to be poppin’. The world doesn’t care about who you have to show (Sorry the truth hurts.) Do you even care about the person you’re with? Is it really just because they’re fine or the ass was fat? You might be better off single, m8.
You can legit do whatever you want, no Hassel - hoff.
If you want to eat snacks in your underwear, you can do that. If you want to ONLY bing watch a series for 5 hours uninterrupted, you can do that. If you want to glance at the shorties and not have someone side eye you, you can do that too, it’s a blessing. Being a single individual comes with it’s perks the same way a relationship does but instead, you have the opportunity to shine without sharing your candle with someone else.
This is your moment to reflect and brush up on your skills.
If you have NOT dated, don’t blame yourself. If you have dated, you have experience and by no means does it make you less attractive if you are fresh on the scene. You can learn but a lot of people step into the kiddie pool with shallow advice from others that may not have their best interest at heart.
Do you even want something that serious?
Are you mentally prepared to take on the emotions of another human and consider one another’s stability?
Do you realize the components of why people form relationships?
If issa NO, that’s okay.
What I’m about to impose upon you, is not to hurt your spirit but to enlighten you and take that bear off of your shoulders. ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ
A guide, if you will.↯ ON THE IMPORTANCE OF QUALITY LIVING.
YOU ARE PLANNING FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHILE YOUR LIFE IS HAPPENING PRESENTLY. -JOYX
Waldinger expresses to us that we (as humans) lust for a “QUICK FIX”. It’s just human nature but the happiest people changed their surroundings, their mindset and learned how to control their actions and they were happier even into their 80’s.
I disagree with rushing something that isn’t there but there are folks who prefer those “quick fix” relationships. I’m not one of them but there are many who struggle with finding someone who’s equally okay with those quickies. A lot of people are also interested in seemingly either two things: Monogamy or Polygamy. If active, often people looking for companionship try to have an open horizon but dedicate their motives to one person, however, there are also people who prefer to juggle the idea of romance and date around to see if they can find something worthy of their attraction.
Monogamy: Habit of having (1) significant other, at a time.
Polygamy: Habit of having MORE than (1) significant other, at a time.
Regardless, of what lifestyle you choose, make choices that WON’T harm you, your body and the other party(ies) involved. I’ve seen it happen one too many times where people have this look of SHOCK on their faces when they go to the doctor because “something doesn’t smell right”, “the pee isn’t coming out the same”, “I have something growing on my face”, “I have someone growing inside of me”, all because what could have been prevented, was not, possibly due to lusty intentions (Although this is not always the case.)
If you’re out there, living your “Best Life”, please get check ups regularly. Single-hood is beautiful when you’re able to nurture without repercussions showing up months later to haunt you.
Just like the grass was springy, it required water and nourishment. So do human beings, nourish yourself with all that you can, give yourself the opportunity to know who you are before just jumping into something and letting a cycle continue.
Reasons You Might Still Be Single Even Though You’re Looking…
You’re feeling like you don’t deserve it
Feelings of inadequacy concerning emotional, mental, physical or even financial attributes. It’s not fair but at one point you could’ve been hurt so badly that you’ve lost all hope and it’s almost like every obstacle in life is a hurdle, your friends say “Oh you’ll be fine! This too shall pass” but even that is not compelling you to go back out there. Please don’t be ashamed of yourself, it turns into a vicious cycle of pain instead of you spending time cultivating your life for the better.
3. Unlikely to happens and you’re a little closed off to SomethingNew’s
Lets say you grew up having difficulty with obtaining your goals at times or relatively often and this has made your SUPER critical of your OWN opinions on what you like or what you’re good at. Overtime this perception about your perception will make you think that everyone else thinks like you and it WILL position you to believe that, you’re not worthy of that bond. Your zest for perfection is slowly decaying your love life, luv. You seriously don’t deserve that; realize that everything is in cycles, everything comes in motions; reflecting and pondering amongst humans is not as strict as it seems.
2. Instability, TOO Up Close and Personal, “GET OFF OF ME!”
Certain things you may want, seemingly you grow a quick and heavy attachment to it, considered VERY unhealthy. This can be a learning moment for you if you take it in a positive way, to step back and find your bubble. Everyone has one, but not everyone is okay with having such close-bubbly consistency. You may be a begger and in some instances, that could be considered irritable. If boundaries are something you lack and it’s evident to those around you or to the person you’re after (or even yourself), reconsidered, take three steps back, and think about if someone were to do the same thing to you. If you feel like you have to compensate your emotional content for touching, jealousy, fear of someone departing from you, this might be what’s stoping you and extreme neediness could be considered a sign of weakness; YOU’RE NOT WEAK.
4. “Pressure pushing down on me, Pressing down on you, no man ask for!”
“WHY ALL MY MANZ HAVE SHORTIES BUT ME?!”
Everyone is pairing off and you’re chilling like you always say. You might be so chill that you’re unthaw-able and you might’ve waited too long. Now everyone around you, is on your back and in your back pocket about your next love move. This feeling of PUSHNPRESSURE instead of LOVENPLEASURE, will have you feeling so obligated to get into something just because everyone else around you is making “The Move”. Why put yourself through that?
It’s unfair to frustrate yourself with something other people want for you because they think what they have with someone significant, will also have that same effect when you meet that someone special. Sorry to say but some of our buds could be hazy with big heart eyes while others, if you’re lucky, will just tell you the truth about finding someone who “Does it” for you. Don’t paralyze your mind with a daydream, be realistic in your intent and go at your own pace.
5. BAD PAST, BAD BLOOD
You’ve already been through too much s*%@, you know better not to put yourself through it again so you avoid that temptation. The results are: your frustration, anger, shame and uncertainty have you feeling like every single time you enter something “romantic” (if that exists), it ends rather abruptly because of those horrific memories seeping back into your mind. It doesn’t take anything away from the apple of your eye but it DOES eats away at you like a caterpillar to a leaf. Ultimately, these patterns of belief cause you to reinforce these experiences in future relations of any sort. You’ve lost respect and trust for anyone you come across and and see a good chunk as carnivorous. This makes you put up a defence in hopes that no one can hurt you again, bring your guard down, slowly.
6. It’s Rush Hour and the Timing is off.
FYI you’re the BOMB . COM but your confidence is starting to dim because even though you ARE of quality, no one is leaving letters at your doorstep. “WHY?!” It’s not you, the world is misaligned with the time to spare but the spare time is left up to other occupations you have to tend to right now. That doesn’t mean you quit doing what you love or lallygag around, waiting and peering outside of windows to see if that’s the “one”. That means that you’re so blessed to have so much to do right now that your focus towards that is pushing you to where you’re SUPPOSED to be and from there, you never know what future time will bring, you could get the surprise of your life, who knows?
7. You’re Pushing people away, again…
You don’t mean to and sometimes you don’t know that you’re doing it but don’t if you know you’re doing it, it becomes self-sabotaging. This is not fair to you, you don’t deserve that even if what happened to you back then makes you believe that you don’t deserve anything great NOW. Boundaries are always changing but you’re going to put a cap on yourself because of what someone did to you? Not fair. You’re going to keep punching yourself in the face when you remember that rejection? Not fair. Don’t ever pollute your life with old toxic waste, remember the disaster that took place and flip it the bird.
8. Traumatic things you didn’t deserve
Trauma unfortunately is not something we can control as individuals but it does possess a greater value in all aspects of our lives because anything that stems from a mental/cranial grievance often moves itself through the body. This needs to be managed before all else, support is hard to find but everyone deserves, if not, requires a security net and if you can’t find it in those who are close to you (like family, because not everyone’s family is great), you should find other positive support. Life is not something you can do alone; Detached or single, you meet people everywhere you go and it’s not necessarily that you rely on these people but it is necessary that you FEEL appreciated no matter how tough you think you are. EVERYONE DESERVES TO FEEL LOVED. Don’t disconnect, find a safe space to understand the process in which you’re going through.
Unfair as it was, I reserved my feelings of shame, guilt and powerlessness for that bracket of time, especially because I was graduating and I was happy with what was to come next and I was able to escape that horrid existence even though, I loved the design of my 2nd high school (so beautiful there, I moved.) At the time, I was certainly not confident coming from my 1st high school where things did not go well, at all; but I was pressured to be CONFIDENT by “friends” because they didn’t want me to feel bad about myself. Of course, the typical ABC special, ended and fizzled out and I got lucky enough to discover who I was. A little fun, a little gothic to some degree, but STILL a music lover. I was 18/19 giving the world all I had, until the one day I remember I met (let’s call him Jack- Jack for security purposes, not his name, not close, but it’ll work for now.)
A month or two passed by and it began to get cold out, I remember being able to talk to my best friend at the time about this guy and it started off really well but some things stuck out whenever I’d rant and rave. I noticed that there were key topics that he would consistently bring up like his preferences in music, his preferences in women and his preferences in food.
Jack - Jack was the type of person to be emotionally manipulative. He didn’t come from a place of love, once I realized the nature of life he had been living. It was like I’d almost met the devil’s son, first hand.
If he was “running away” he called me, crying and I’d be there on the phone to try and turn him around to go home and work it out with his family but because where he came from was so abrasive in nature, it was hard to even say “They’ll be there for you, they care about you”. Everyone in that family was allowed to disrespect each other it seemed; I wanted no part of that. Although his family respected me as an outsider, as a whole, I couldn’t stay.
Jack - Jack would never take me out anywhere, it’s as though he never would want to be seen with me, we would drive around for hours.
The only place he considered the hotspot was his house
When it came to what he wanted to do, I was expected to be all in, when it came to what I wanted to do, he couldn’t even remember what I enjoyed.
There are so many components to this story that I’ve left out because there was so much pain and a lot of struggle. To almost this day, Jack-Jack didn’t leave me alone even after blocking him on various platforms. What he doesn’t seem to realize is that it is a form of harassment. I now have him blocked on every social account because on several occasions he almost put my life at risk due to his negligence.
What I’m trying to tell you is, I ALMOST LOST MY LIFE TRYING TO LIVE ONE I WAS NOT READY FOR.
Don’t put yourself in hazardous circumstances no matter how much LOVE you think there is. LOVE YOURSELF, FIRST. Sounds selfish but at least, you’ll be alive in the end.
This taught me that he thought I was just as dumb and low, as I thought I was. I didn’t have ANY self-esteem and for that, I was shown what not appreciating who and what you are, gives you.
It gives you JACKSHIT.
P.S Jack - Jack, you owe me 60 dollars, foo’.
Love? Nah.…OR so I thought at the time. Now I know for a FACT, I was certainly not. Now a few years ago, I knew someone and I was fresh out of high school ready to experience the big bright world of being a tiny adult. So of course, I’m not great with self-esteem at the time, I’m young, I didn’t attend my prom, not only because I didn’t get asked but also because the group of people I was “friends” with didn’t quite consider me a friend, it felt more so like the group’s “Idiot Mule”, if you will ( I also spent most of my time in the school music room with a group of great people, who did appreciate me and they know who they are.)
Jack-Jack was the type of person when we first met, to be very nice, very “heart-eye” emojis, sending compliments via text and very charming. It was unusual for me because I had come from a place of being “last choice”. I didn’t know how to react so I went along with it. WORST. CHOICE. EVER. I’d never been with anyone so I assumed that, this guy was the example I’ve been waiting for all of my high school career. He was what I considered, cute - enough-for-me, I was under the impression that we both enjoyed the same things and loved cultural and worldly aspect but because an 18 year old from the jump has NO IDEA what that might hold, and being so casual from the bubble of suburbia, my perception of almost ANYTHING may have been a little glossy, if you will lol.
I remember, if I wasn’t texting Jack-Jack, I was on the phone with Jack-Jack, if I wasn’t hanging out with Jack-Jack, he was somehow in my bubble even though he lived almost an hour away. I didn’t think anything of it and I continued to see him because I thought these are the building blocks to a relationship (that I’ve never been in, 0 Baes.) I allowed him into my space frequently because I thought that if I were to push him out of my centre, I’d be a horrible partner, or future partner because we were in our beginning stages.
What’s the problem, you ask? Oh nothing, just his preferences in music would be brought up to me (no exaggeration) EVERY phone call, conversation, chat on the GO train; He would love telling me about the shape of woman that he liked (I didn’t fit this description anymore or maybe at all, I lost a bunch of weight and I became very frail) and the ADULT FILM STARS that favoured his preferences, and I’ll be honest the only 4 food groups this boy knew or liked was BigMac as protein, Fries as a vegetable/carb, Soda as liquids (I don’t ever actually remember him drinking water), the bun as a grain and a carton of cigs to wash it all down. I HAD TO GET THE F*%#$ UP out of there but my foolish young self stayed. Why?
I liked the idea of HAVING someone around no matter how bad they were for me. I suffered the consequences hard because although my best friend was speaking to a guy that she would now consider bad for her, it was on a social level. For me, it was on something deeper. I didn’t realize how mentally manipulated I had become, to accept all that I was receiving. I was legitimately crying for his safety and not my own anymore, I didn’t give a damn about it.
I was being emotionally, verbally and mentally abused but because I didn’t know anything or have limited advice on what healthy relationships were, I struggled. I started to become a bit of a P.I. and started doing some investigating because for a guy to be in a “relationship” with you but is seemingly so glad to speak up about his ex and the things she was able to do for him sexually or the side-piece he cheated on HER with but didn’t think I’d find out (his mom told me about this side thot, his Dukes, she’s a real one in the case, I’ll tell ya that.) I DON’T KNOW WHY I WAS SO DUMB, I was and 18 and 19 year old, youngin’.
I’d be in my room PREPARED to come home to have a conversation with this guy, even though he was so OPEN towards the end telling me about how great the sex was with the thot he cheated on his ex girlfriend with, the dates he would go on (even if he lied about them in an attempt to make me jealous.) ALLLL OF IT WAS JUST ROLLING OUT the more I got to know him… I’m happy I didn’t engage in anything sexually advanced, I don’t know what would’ve happened to me. I should also add that we were on and off, deciding to be friends but because he kept calling me pet names in text messages, in-person, and I didn’t know his operatives when he says “DoN’t wOrRyyy, wE’lL sEe hoW It GoEs, fOr noW lEtS cHiLl aNd sHit, iDk”, while still liking your exes photos, and the thot, and having me in your house with your parents for dinner, THAT IS YOU EGGING PEOPLE ON, DRAGGING THEM ON AN EMOTIONAL LEESH, If you don’t want someone say so.
Who taught you to do something so morbid?
My greatest accomplishment was when he didn’t think I’d find out about his “EX” that he kept referring to as his “Friend”…I knew it’d be putting him on the spot, in his car when I was on my way home.
“Do you know, that your ex and your thot are best friends on social media?”
And I left. I knew I was not LOVED by this guy even when he said it in the train station.
I laughed right then and there and said “No you don’t…”
I allowed this “relationship” to happen from October that year, all the way to April of the following year.
Until next time, stay strong and know that on this earth, you belong. - JoyX